I lay in bed last night tossing and turning. Sleep eluding me while warm tears streamed down my face at a continuous pace. Why is being a mother so hard on the heart? You cannot measure the pain nor fathom the joy a child brings until you are a parent. Nothing can prepare you for the intense roller coaster ride...
Monday I sat at the kitchen counter working on insurance claims. I had left Sweet Baby K in the living room where I could hear her happily chattering. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her walk into the dining room....Wait! She just walked! I immediately hit my knees cheering her on coaxing her towards me. I was a mess! Bawling like a baby while laughing as if my heart would burst. I rushed about to find my phone to snap a picture to share this moment with my husband. Then dashed to the bedroom to grab my Flip recorder...
How did this happen? Where did the last year go!?
While my husband revels in Baby K's blossoming personality and new found abilities I silently lament them. Is there a more clear definition of bittersweet... other than having the heart of a mother watching her child grow! Forever her baby in heart but changing every second before her eyes...
I knew that yesterday was the day. The last day of nursing. I knew it from the fact that despite challenges we had worked hard to get to this point, and here it was staring me in the face. We got in the shower I wore my swimsuit and she was none the wiser. I handed her a cup of milk before nap time and she went right down. Bedtime was the same I thought I would jump for joy! Instead I cried. And cried...
I know that Baby K is my last child. Is that why this is so hard? I think back to when my eight year old was a baby. I relive the same heart wrenching bittersweet mementos. I remember the sheepish look on the babysitters face when after a long day of work I picked up my Sweet Baby A to find she had begun walking while in her care.
In the same thoughts I think of Sweet Ab and the beautiful young lady she is becoming. I remember everything we have been through and how strong and brave she is having been through so much in her young life. I smile when I envision her in high school driving me crazy! I giggle when I think of her first love. Dread the first heartbreak. My hope soars when I think of who she will be. Her children...
I once asked my mother, after I hugged her goodbye and noticed she had clung on just a few seconds longer "Is it sad when you can't hold your babies anymore?" Misty eyed she nodded...
I have been dreading yet looking ever so forward to Saturday. Baby k's first birthday. It will come whether I like it or not. My tiny baby will become a toddler. I will watch the clock with bitter envy as it continues to steal our precious time. Grateful for this life amazed by its beauty. Humbled by it's challenging nature.
Ever changed by becoming a mother...
Happy birthday to Baby K!!! Such a milestone and yes, it goes by fast and all you can do is video and take pics and write down each thing you care to document so that you can look back and remember these sweet moments! My kids ask me now what they did when they were 1 or 2 and I honestly have forgotten A LOT! I need to get out the camera more even now when they scrunch up their faces and roll their eyes! :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Kim! Thanks so much for stopping by:) I am a mess today...
ReplyDeleteThis was achingly lovely. You've put into eloquent words, exactly what so many of us feel. My youngest is now 11...I ache with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words!
DeleteEvery stage offers so much joy and difficulties, too, but it is those challenges that grow us and invite us to find the good.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet reminder of being a new parent. We are indeed forever changed by being moms.
It is so true...you just have to go with the flow:/Thanks for stopping by the kind words were much needed!
DeleteOMG that's exactly how I feel sometimes. My daughter will be one in two months, and I remember how much I HATED breastfeeding in the beginning, I seriously didn't think I'd last this long, but now I'm dreading the day that I stop. And now she's trying to walk. *Sigh* where does the time go??
ReplyDeleteIf you aren't a mom you just won't understand this post! I cry more than I ever thought I would at the thought of my babies growing up. I am excited to watch them as they turn into their own people, but who knew it would be so hard to watch them walk away! I stopped by from the blog hop, and after a good cry, I'm going to leave here a follower :) Would love if you stopped by Figuring it Out as we Grow, and follow me back!
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